I have so many Blogging U assignments piled up and I also haven’t posted in a while. The reason is, I have been quite busy these past few days living. Well, how could one write without experiencing life, right?
Last week, I attended the wedding of my cousin (my son was the coin bearer), and stayed for a few more days to bond with relatives, especially those I haven’t seen in several months and years. We just came back home yesterday.
I’m still not in the mood for writing today, although I have so many things on my mind I’m planning to write about. But this particular one just badly needs to get out of my system. I have to get this out before I forget the details.
** * **
Last night, I dreamt that I caught my boyfriend owning a different dummy phone and he kind of panicked when I saw him using it. So I tried to seize the phone from him and he tried to get away from me and everything was such a blur. I don’t remember reading any text messages or if I somehow managed to get the phone from him at all. All I remember was me asking him if he was cheating on me. We were face to face (though I can’t really see his face… I don’t even know if it was really him, you know what I mean?) and it took him a while to answer me. We were surrounded by my family and close relatives but they’re not really listening to us, you know, they’re just there, going about their own businesses.
So anyway, he finally answered me. I’ll never forget his exact words and it still haunts me up to this moment. He said, “Yes, I have a new boyfriend.”
And I thought it was only in the movies where the girl stares with her eyes blinking fast, mouth moving, trying to form words, unable to speak. I know it sounds so cliché but really, I couldn’t believe what I’d just heard. So I made him repeat what he just said.
My initial reaction was rage. It hurts so much I’m sure there were tears streaming down my face as I was dreaming about it. New boyfriend? What, there were others before? And the scene became like this: the people around us seem to have gathered closer to us and forming and expressing their own opinions and judgments. I don’t acknowledge them. I was only looking at the man whom I spent 41% of my life loving. He looks guilty, ashamed, and like he wants to crawl out of his skin and disappear forever. Seeing him like that, the rage I initially felt slowly subsided. I actually felt sorry for him. I asked him the details- where and since when it started (2016, he said), how many guys since that time (five, he said), and why? He has no answer for that, he just looked down.
** * **
The truth is, I have no reason to believe that he is gay, or bisexual, or anything that suggests he’s into guys. But I sometimes doubt it, especially when he started training at the agency which had helped him land a job in Japan. It was a prerequisite to learn basic Japanese language and customs before they could finally be selected to work there. The training took six months. Since the agency was a few hours’ drive away from our home and we have no car, we decided it’s more convenient and practical if he stayed with his older sister, who lived just a walking distance from that agency, instead of taking a bus and dealing with heavy traffic every single day. And so he lived away from us for six months, coming home only on weekends or sometimes, just once or twice a month.
On those months I’ve noticed that something has changed about him. I don’t know exactly what it is. But he’s become more independent and unattached from me. He’d always make a decision without telling me about it, unlike he used to. We would sometimes fight about it and I know he’s right, that it’s silly that I’d think I should know every step he makes. He said we should grow up and be more open-minded and understanding. What’s wrong, anyway, with him joining a group study, which ended up being a sleepover (as there were “too many things to review”) at a classmate’s dormitory? They were all boys anyway, and that he didn’t tell me because he was sure I’d call him every ten minutes to check on him. Like, seriously? When did I ever do that to make him think of me that way?
And what’s wrong, anyway, with him planning a long weekend trip with these guys before he sets off to Japan, that whether I like it or not, he’ll go? I want him to enjoy the sense of belonging to a group of friends/classmates since he did not have that opportunity, having never finished college. It’s just that, it was a tough time for us because I hardly ever see him. That long weekend could have been spent with me and our son, yet he preferred to spend it with his buddies. They never had the time for that trip anyway (yay!), because of their conflicting schedules. But the fact still remains that we were, in the first place, not his preference.
But now I think his preference to hang out more with guys than with me does not necessarily mean that he’s becoming gay. Maybe he just needs some sort of a support group, with friends who share the same goals as him now, the same worries, fears, and things to stress about.
** * **
Maybe I’m just being paranoid and trust me, I hate myself for overthinking things like this about him. It’s not like I’ve caught him, in real life, watching gay porn or obsessively exchanging messages with guys. Maybe he’s just being nice and friendly to his new acquaintances. Maybe he’s just really thinking about a lot of things and feeling tired those months to feel sexy and intimate with me when he comes home. Maybe the change in his preference for sex positions is just something he thinks will help spice things up a bit for us.
Maybe I’m just feeling left out because he’s finally going somewhere. He finally had goals, plans, and priorities. Maybe I’m just not used to being below his number one priority. Maybe I’m just slow in accepting the fact that he too needs to grow and develop as a person, and in order for that to happen, I need to let him go… To let him be.
Now that he’s already in Japan, we try to keep our passion for each other burning (lol). But he discourages sexting and me sending provocative pictures. At first I thought maybe that’s because he’s not interested in my feminine body anymore, that he lusts over guys now. But he clarified that sending dirty words and photos just doesn’t seem right for us, and that he is uncomfortable with it. I completely understand because for me, that doesn’t seem right too. It feels fake anyway, to feel and show desire when he’s miles and miles away. Up to now we’re still trying to figure out how to be sexy and intimate with each other without doing those inappropriate things.
I don’t know what my point is for sharing my doubts and my dream about my boyfriend being gay/bisexual, but now that I’m laying out all this in writing, I am realizing how idiotic and irrational I sound. At least I saw that those things I wrote above were not enough for me to doubt him. Rereading what I had just written somehow put me into perspective again.
Maybe it’s true, that people will only see those things that will validate what they want to see; that people will only believe what they want to believe. And only a deep level of love and understanding can exempt one from being one of those people.
How about you? Have you had a really bad dream which made you think twice about the lingering doubts which were already forming in your subconscious mind? Have you ever doubted your lover of being homosexual, and what made you doubt him/her? Did you find out if you were ever right or wrong at all? Do you think we should go by our intuition or just ignore it?
(Because yellow is a cheerful, happy, and gay color, right?) ✌