I have so many Blogging U assignments piled up and I also haven’t posted in a while. The reason is, I have been quite busy these past few days living. Well, how could one write without experiencing life, right?

Last week, I attended the wedding of my cousin (my son was the coin bearer), and stayed for a few more days to bond with relatives, especially those I haven’t seen in several months and years. We just came back home yesterday.

I’m still not in the mood for writing today, although I have so many things on my mind I’m planning to write about. But this particular one just badly needs to get out of my system. I have to get this out before I forget the details.

** * **

Last night, I dreamt that I caught my boyfriend owning a different dummy phone and he kind of panicked when I saw him using it. So I tried to seize the phone from him and he tried to get away from me and everything was such a blur. I don’t remember reading any text messages or if I somehow managed to get the phone from him at all. All I remember was me asking him if he was cheating on me. We were face to face (though I can’t really see his face… I don’t even know if it was really him, you know what I mean?) and it took him a while to answer me. We were surrounded by my family and close relatives but they’re not really listening to us, you know, they’re just there, going about their own businesses.

So anyway, he finally answered me. I’ll never forget his exact words and it still haunts me up to this moment. He said, “Yes, I have a new boyfriend.

And I thought it was only in the movies where the girl stares with her eyes blinking fast, mouth moving, trying to form words, unable to speak. I know it sounds so cliché but really, I couldn’t believe what I’d just heard. So I made him repeat what he just said.

My initial reaction was rage. It hurts so much I’m sure there were tears streaming down my face as I was dreaming about it. New boyfriend? What, there were others before? And the scene became like this: the people around us seem to have gathered closer to us and forming and expressing their own opinions and judgments. I don’t acknowledge them. I was only looking at the man whom I spent 41% of my life loving. He looks guilty, ashamed, and like he wants to crawl out of his skin and disappear forever. Seeing him like that, the rage I initially felt slowly subsided. I actually felt sorry for him. I asked him the details- where and since when it started (2016, he said), how many guys since that time (five, he said), and why? He has no answer for that, he just looked down.

** * **

The truth is, I have no reason to believe that he is gay, or bisexual, or anything that suggests he’s into guys. But I sometimes doubt it, especially when he started training at the agency which had helped him land a job in Japan. It was a prerequisite to learn basic Japanese language and customs before they could finally be selected to work there. The training took six months. Since the agency was a few hours’ drive away from our home and we have no car, we decided it’s more convenient and practical if he stayed with his older sister, who lived just a walking distance from that agency, instead of taking a bus and dealing with heavy traffic every single day. And so he lived away from us for six months, coming home only on weekends or sometimes, just once or twice a month.

On those months I’ve noticed that something has changed about him. I don’t know exactly what it is. But he’s become more independent and unattached from me. He’d always make a decision without telling me about it, unlike he used to. We would sometimes fight about it and I know he’s right, that it’s silly that I’d think I should know every step he makes. He said we should grow up and be more open-minded and understanding. What’s wrong, anyway, with him joining a group study, which ended up being a sleepover (as there were “too many things to review”) at a classmate’s dormitory? They were all boys anyway, and that he didn’t tell me because he was sure I’d call him every ten minutes to check on him. Like, seriously? When did I ever do that to make him think of me that way?

And what’s wrong, anyway, with him planning a long weekend trip with these guys before he sets off to Japan, that whether I like it or not, he’ll go? I want him to enjoy the sense of belonging to a group of friends/classmates since he did not have that opportunity, having never finished college. It’s just that, it was a tough time for us because I hardly ever see him. That long weekend could have been spent with me and our son, yet he preferred to spend it with his buddies. They never had the time for that trip anyway (yay!), because of their conflicting schedules. But the fact still remains that we were, in the first place, not his preference.

But now I think his preference to hang out more with guys than with me does not necessarily mean that he’s becoming gay. Maybe he just needs some sort of a support group, with friends who share the same goals as him now, the same worries, fears, and things to stress about.

** * **

Maybe I’m just being paranoid and trust me, I hate myself for overthinking things like this about him. It’s not like I’ve caught him, in real life, watching gay porn or obsessively exchanging messages with guys. Maybe he’s just being nice and friendly to his new acquaintances. Maybe he’s just really thinking about a lot of things and feeling tired those months to feel sexy and intimate with me when he comes home. Maybe the change in his preference for sex positions is just something he thinks will help spice things up a bit for us.

Maybe I’m just feeling left out because he’s finally going somewhere. He finally had goals, plans, and priorities. Maybe I’m just not used to being below his number one priority. Maybe I’m just slow in accepting the fact that he too needs to grow and develop as a person, and in order for that to happen, I need to let him go… To let him be.

Maybe…maybe…maybe…

Now that he’s already in Japan, we try to keep our passion for each other burning (lol). But he discourages sexting and me sending provocative pictures. At first I thought maybe that’s because he’s not interested in my feminine body anymore, that he lusts over guys now. But he clarified that sending dirty words and photos just doesn’t seem right for us, and that he is uncomfortable with it. I completely understand because for me, that doesn’t seem right too. It feels fake anyway, to feel and show desire when he’s miles and miles away. Up to now we’re still trying to figure out how to be sexy and intimate with each other without doing those inappropriate things.

I don’t know what my point is for sharing my doubts and my dream about my boyfriend being gay/bisexual, but now that I’m laying out all this in writing, I am realizing how idiotic and irrational I sound. At least I saw that those things I wrote above were not enough for me to doubt him. Rereading what I had just written somehow put me into perspective again.

Maybe it’s true, that people will only see those things that will validate what they want to see; that people will only believe what they want to believe. And only a deep level of love and understanding can exempt one from being one of those people.

How about you? Have you had a really bad dream which made you think twice about the lingering doubts which were already forming in your subconscious mind? Have you ever doubted your lover of being homosexual, and what made you doubt him/her? Did you find out if you were ever right or wrong at all? Do you think we should go by our intuition or just ignore it?

Via Daily Prompt: Yellow

(Because yellow is a cheerful, happy, and gay color, right?) ✌

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12 thoughts on “Maybe It’s Just A Bad Dream After All

  1. Its a bad dream!!I must say!!but I can feel the pain of having this distance with your boyfriend!its really hard and there comes those negative thoughts makes things more complicated and painful.hope you find your peace of mind and happiness as the way u want ..<3

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi there Jasia! Thanks for the thoughtful wishes. I did find peace of mind “for now”, but happiness, not yet… We have yet to talk about my dream and I’m still waiting for a good timing to open this up to him. He seems too tired to really “talk” these days because of his work, all we had so far was the usual “Have you had your dinner”, “How was work” small talk.

      I’ve read your post about long distance relationship facts. That’s a good one, coz all of it is very true and I can totally relate. Hayyy… The things we endure for love… 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are right!!things we endure for love.. 🙂 no doubt about that!but you know sometimes people get tired of all those facts and give up!! I don’t want anyone to give up on their loved ones 🙂 I hope things will work out for you and you live happily ever after ❤ keep writing! Want to know more of your thoughts 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Long distance is the worst. Really, it blows. I had to do it for a year and I found it so frustrating. I didn’t like sexting or pictures because it would just remind me of what I didn’t have next to me. It would just leave me unsatisfied and annoyed. It sucked.

    I’ve had horrible dreams that left lingering feelings afterwards, like a dream hangover that just ruins your whole day. I’ve never had the dream you had, but we can’t control our dreams so who knows? It could happen at any time!

    I think some guys just like ‘hanging out with the lads.’ They have a different dynamic than when they’re with girls. I think only let doubts creep in if you really strongly feel in your gut that you are not being treated as you deserve. Keep your eyes open, but remember to keep your heart open too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I really loved that last part where you said to keep my eyes open but to keep my heart open too. I’m sorry to hear about your frustration, long distance really is the worst. What happened then, are you still together ’til now? Or did you not make it…

      As for me, I will have to endure this for two and a half more years because we have no choice, that’s part of the work contract. I could go visit him, but we are really saving as much as we can and plane ticket costs are no joke.

      I’ve just learned (from Google of course, you know, Quinn? Lol) that women in their third trimester of pregnancy often have dreams that are too vivid. Coupled with increase in hormones, it can really leave a woman mentally and emotionally exhausted with all the overthinking and nagging feelings if doubt, fear, etc… (Again, thanks to Google I sounded so professional and convincing there) So I hope my dream last night and the ugly feelings it left me were all just part of this pregnancy thing. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I have a friend who’s pregnant at the moment and she’s been having extremely vivid dreams about an ex boyfriend that leave her feeling really upset, so you’re probably on to something there!

        We’re still together! Made it through to the other side. Was hard and I wouldn’t do it again but we’re together in the one place now! You’ll get through it, it’ll be long and you should definitely try to fit some visits in, but the time will pass. I hope you guys can get together soon!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. The subconscious is such a strange place, and that sounds like a strange dream it kind of makes my dreams seem normal now! I can’t imagine what kind of doubts and thoughts you’ve had becuase of the strain of a long distance relationship, since I’ve never been in one. Hopefully everything works out between you two. And I bet writing everything down helped clear the mind some, writing is one of the best therapies. Good luck catching up on your Blogging U assignments!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, writing about it seemed to have helped me as I get to organize my thoughts and therefore think more logically… It’s 4am here now and no bad dreams so far. Being in a long distance relationship is exhausting and frustrating so don’t think about getting into one yet if you can manage it. Go enjoy your life with your cute adorable darlings there! And thanks for wishing me luck on my assignments! I never thought I’d spend so much time blogging. There’s so much I wanted to read and write!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Never feel idiotic or irrational by writing out what’s going through your head. As writers, that’s the best way for us to process. So keep writing. Don’t stop. For heaven’s sake, and for your sanity’s sake, don’t stop.

    Liked by 1 person

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